This is the first post I have documented for a while, and compared to my other posts I made this summer, this one is written neither out of ire or frustration.  The subject that I am writing about today deals with something that is new to me.  This year, I think can be attributed to loneliness.  Last year could be associate with anxiety, but this one with loneliness.  This is something new to me, it cannot be characterized by one night in which I am bored, or even consistent nights in which I have nothing to do, but a sense of being alone resultant to the fact that I am, indeed alone.  I think this has been exacerbated by the fact recently that so far, in the beginning of december that I have 9 weddings of good guy friends to attend in the coming year.  My social context is quickly changing and I’m not sure where that leaves me.

I would like to note that this is not an issue of singleness for me, and thankfully I know several people who know exactly what I am talking about.  I am lonely because I have nobody to interact with in my place in life.  Let me paint a picture for you; I wake up, quiet house. I drive to work for an hour, sit down in my cube.  Subsequently most of my day is spent in silence with the occasional work interaction, mostly with people older than my parents.  After work I go home, usually to an empty house.  I just don’t have people to interact with…to share life with.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for my roommates, but these days, things are just different. It is difficult to share life with people these days.  The funny thing is that I do not have a desire to mingle with singles.  Its uncomfortable, its awkward, and at this point in my life…I just like my couple friends better anyway.  They are just not available as friends though like they were.

So, one thing with which is there no uncertainty in my life is my identity as a Christian.  So what does that mean in this context.  Well, I can list off a bevy of verses that are supposed to give me solace, such as “cast your cares on the Lord.”  But the thing is, as I used to be anxious about things that I had no control over, that is not the case.  If there is one thing I learned this year, it is that principle.  With that said, that does not provide me with consolation with my present.  It doesn’t fix the problem.  And as I call it a problem, that is indeed what it is.  I looked into the Bible as to what it says about this subject and to tell you the truth, it speaks very little on the matter.  The most resounding thing that is mentioned is that “It is not good for man to be alone (Gen 2:18)”  Clearly, it is a problem.  After that though, the reference to this state of mind is followed up with in Luke 4:42 to with a conversation about Jesus in that “He departed and went to a lonely place.”  So I can assume by that passage that Jesus indeed understood what I experience, but what does that leave me with.  I think the thing about loneliness that I struggle with, is unlike most negative feelings as a human, this one is not out of a result of sin.  In genesis, that problem was before the fall.  What I think that means is that there is nothing I can do to remedy the situation. There is not always things in our power to escape the pain of sin, BUT, God called us to live a certain way with regard to his character.  This is seemingly independent of that.  I have a hard time comprehending it and what I am supposed to do.  The thing is this, I am a social person, I am not a recluse.  I read a study on loneliness and the thing is, none of the things that are recommended apply.  It’s like the situation doesn’t fit.  One thing I know is this…in this period of my life I must rely and trust in God…because I have no other choice.  Just as Adam could not fix his problem, neither can I.  

So I having been trying to fully articulate recently my thoughts concerning righteousness, love, and the law with respect to my identity as a christian.  What exactly is it that the Bible says about these things and how do ‘christians’ live this out?  Well, the Bible spells it out pretty clearly how one become righteous.  Before you approach how you become righteous, you have to look at why we need righteousness.  The Bible uses the word righteous or righteousness more times than I can count.  I am going to guess 200 times the word is used.  Clearly, the word, and more clearly the meaning, is significant.  The answer to that is clear, we need righteousness so that we may enter the kingdom of heaven.  Whoa, the initial response to that should be…I am a righteous man, heck no!  So how does one achieve righteousness?  The Bible answers that clearly in Philippians 3:6-9.  It says that righteousness “is through faith is Christ-the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.”  So we are made righteous not by anything we do but by what Jesus has done on our behalf.  Wait, so I know that I am saved by Jesus but I am also made righteous by him.  So I am righteous now?  Huh?  So what is the point in doing things that God told me to do.  If I do or don’t do those things then am I not ‘right’ with God here?  Why did God tell us all these commandments?  

Well, I think that if we do not have to do these things to become righteous, then that is the question we must ask ourselves.  Why DID God tell us these things.  To answer that we have to back things up.  Jesus said of all the commandments given to us by God that the greatest is to love the Lord our God with all our heart and the second is to love our neighbor as ourselves.  Wait, if you know the law of the Old Testament up to that point, the two commandments that Jesus gave us are not part of the old testament law.  So what is up with that?  Well, what Jesus was saying is that every law can be summed up or broken down to those two things.  That is the point of every commandant given to us by God.  Okay, why those then?  Well, lets start off with the first one.  God wants us to love him.  Okay, that makes sense but what was the reason for everything else he said then.  Well, basically, God is a jealous God.  He wants us to love him 100%.  Basically, when we are made righteous, we are returned to a relationship with him…God.  So if you look at it like that, you begin to understand what God means that he is a jealous God.  In any relationship, if one party in the relationship ‘kindav’ like somebody else, don’t you think the bf/gf/husband/wife, would get jealous?  Of course they would, that is the way we are wired.  And…if we are made in God’s image like he says, so does God get jealous.  So every commandment God gave us is to protect the sanctity of that relationship.  That’s it.  Well, what about the other commandment to love our neighbors?  God instructed us that if we love him, to love his people…our neighbors.  Every other commandment is there to protect the sanctity of those relationships, to not hurt other people.  It all boils down to love.  We should do these things out of love…love for people…love for God.  God even said, ‘if you love me obey my commands.”  This is why.  NOT to become righteous, we are already made righteous.  

Now, somehow, someway, people who are Christians I feel have interpreted the Bible into saying that, ‘now that I am a Christian, I need to become righteous.’  When you do that you are taking the basis of law from love and making it legalism.  That’s what the verses in Philippians say again.  We are already righteous!  Then…the ramifications of that is that whatever supposed righteousness we achieve is my our own strength and that will inevitably and inherently lead to pride.  Now the funny thing about that is that brings things full circle.  The opposite of pride is humility and that is what God instructed us to do over and over again.  In Philippians 2 he told us to take on the attitude of Christ, and that attitude is of humility.  So…if we follow the law for the wrong reason, not out of love, we end up taking ourselves further from who God made us to be.  It is his desire for us to emulate Christ, to be more like him, to love like him, both God and people.  

Well, I apologize for my diarrhea of typing, but I’ve wanted to get that down for some time now.

- Frederick

I had a friend tell me something this past week that got me thinking…well, honestly this is not the first time that I have considered this but this time the conversation allowed be to clearly lay out my thoughts on the matter.  My friend told me that I had marriage to look forward to.  Well, I don’t know how I can say that is good confidence.  First of all, I can not be confident that I will get married someday.  If that is an expectation of mine, first of all, then I set myself up for massive disappointment if things don’t work on my time.  Secondly, that is not a decision that is necessarily up to me, there is another party to consider that has equally as much influence in the whole situation.  I hear people say all the time, ‘when I get married…’.  I just don’t feel comfortable saying that.  Also, I don’t want to say that because I don’t know if I want that.  To be honest about the whole thing, marriage scares me.  Not in the, ‘I don’t want to settle down’ kind of way, but in the whole marriage is messy kind of way.  There is so much at stake in a marriage relationship and I don’t think I want to drag somebody into life with me.  I feel like I am too big a screw up to want to drag somebody else into that.  I have so much capacity to hurt and I don’t trust myself.  You see so many people hurt in marriages (or any relationship), regardless of people divorcing or not and I feel like I am too much of a screw up to not do that to somebody.  I have no idea how I am going to be years from now, I’m pretty sure I’m already crazy and it only gets worse.  Maybe I might change my mind about this one day, but as for right now, I don’t trust myself to love someone in the way that they deserve and God intended them to be loved.  God made the comparison of marriage being similar to Jesus’ relationship with the church.  Holy Crap…thats some serious loving, I fall incredibly short.

So i was reading this fantastic Bible study today called “My first thirty quiet times,” and while I may have already done my first thirty quiet times a long time ago, I think this is the best Bible study I have ever done.  Its simplicity and pure focus on the fundamentals is refreshing, encouraging, and sooo necessary.  I was reading today about what God expects of us and how there is no other way to life except through Jesus.  Specifically, I read Philippians 2:5-11 where it tells us to have the same attitude of Christ and then poetically spells that out.  My initial reaction was, insane humility.  It starts out having me react with, okay, I’m squared up here, but quickly digressing into the stripping down to my shortcomings.  It reminds us how Jesus took the very nature of servant inherently as a human and was obedient to God, even in death.  Soooo….do I act with inherent humility as a servant, and am I obedient to God so far as death….nooo I do not.  I am disobedient literally every day, I know it as I often know what I should be doing and don’t do it, and as the Bible says, that is sin.  Additionally, I do not act like a servant often, I often act like God should be my servant.  ’God, give me this, God, give me that…why haven’t you done this yet God…etc.”  Now, while this Christianity situation with God is a relationship, and we can ask him for things (example: Hannah), I too often do not take the attitude of a servant, especially with these requests (i.e. like Hannah did).  I must force myself to constantly reevaluate my heart.  

- done

P.S.  My anxiety has come back.  It sucks.  I tried to set up an appointment with the doctors in my health insurance plan but none were taking new patients.  I asked them what I should do or who I should go to.  They had no suggestions and told me to call again in a couple of weeks.  Still looking for a solution.

I don’t think I have anything crazy or angry or upset about to write about this week.  I have been down this week but that is what I am writing about.  Me being down…  I don’t know why but I have been really down for a while now.  The reason I’m mentioning it now is because I think it is starting to become more pronounced.  The bodily feelings I had when I had anxiety are coming back but i am not anxious about anything.  In my head I am completely calm but in my chest I am starting to get anxious.  For the few people I have told about this, they always ask me why…but to be honest I have no idea.  I have no idea where this is coming from.  I just have an overall feeling of hopelessness and that is preventing me from participating in life as I want to and know I should.  Now I know that the Bible says that I should put my hope in him…and I do, eternally and practically, but yet that does not mitigate whatever I am thinking about this current life.  The thing that is confusing is that I don’t think that I even know what I want to be hopeful for.  I have been thinking of the metaphor recently of the guy drowning in the ocean and he prays to God to save him.  Subsequently, a row boat comes by, a ship comes by, and a rescue boat comes by; and each time the man denies help and says that God is going to save him…and he dies and when he asks God why he didn’t save him, God says…I sent a row boat, a ship and a rescue boat to you and you refused them all.  What if I am faced with those things in my own life and I keep turning them down?  If so, what I am turning down?  I just feel a lot of uncertainty about things I suppose.  This may be a particularly emo post right now but it is good to write things down sometimes so I do not dwell on the same thoughts over and over again.  

On a different note, I have been ruminating on the concept of holiness this past week or so.  Specifically, how do I reconcile the dichotomy of the fact that we are sinners and our desire of God for us to be holy.  No matter what we do on this earth, we are sinners.  God paid the consequence of our sin allowing us to be brought back to God, but while we are here on earth, we are still sinners.  He did not remove our sinful nature.  With that, we still sin, so where does that put us with holiness.  If we don’t ‘sin’ would that not be something that we in our own power are doing to get closer to God?  But it doesn’t work like that.  We are removed from God period.  Jesus justified us through the cross, but in this life we are still separate.  The holy spirit acts as a go-between on our behalf to God as it says in Romans 8:26-27. And anything good in our lives is from God, not from ourselves.  I believe that holiness is being like God, but where does us being good on our own strength become reconciled with the concept of us as sinners.  That is where I have a difficult time reconciling things.  Now I know that I do understand some things…like we are the work of God and as we grow in faith he teaches us to be more like Christ in love…he teaches us to love.  I believe that as humans I do not know how to love, but as Christians the spiritual growth is basically just learning how to love.  God is love, and we are to become more like Christ so we are to become love.  Gods desire for us is to love him and love our neighbors as ourselves and God also told us that if we love him, we are to love his people.  Thus, it is my understanding (I emphasize the word MY) that holiness is God’s work in us to learn how to love.  Still though, there is much to be understood by me about the whole concept.

peace until next time.

So I thought about an analogy this past week concerning christian living.  The specific case refers to playing a guitar, but I think it could span a multitude of disciplines.  I realized that I can read and watch about how to play guitar so much…and if I did that I would know so much about the theory of guitar playing.  I could read about music theory, and learn all about classical guitar and jazz guitar and yet, I would still not know at all how to play guitar.  The only way for me to become a competent, skilled guitar player is to do it, to practice.  If I don’t actually pick up the guitar, I will not be a guitar player no matter how much I read and study.  I think the same is true for Christians.  There are so many people who study how to be a Christian, read books, go to Bible studies, go to church…and yet, if they don’t actually go out and emulate Jesus in their life, they will not practice Christianity.  I have noticed this in conversations with people, we will read a command of Christ to do something, and most responses are, I need to go read the Bible and pray.  Well, yeah, just as the guitar player will not grow in talent if they do not understand music theory and advance their knowledge of the guitar, we as Christians must study and pray to grow as a Christian.  However, that is not where growth occurs…it occurs by actually doing it.  As a human, I have realized that I do not know how to love.  Period.  However, by the grace of God living through me….that is what he accomplishes.  However, I have to go do it and let God love people though me.  I think that is the difference between people who study how to be a Christian and people who practice how to be a Christian.

The coolest thing about all this is the theology about this.  I wish I could list the scriptures that support the theology, but sadly I don’t know them off the top of my head. (TBV)  As a sinner, I can do no good apart from God.  Therefore, when I do things out of my own strength, it brings glory to me, not to God.  That is how some people live out Christianity.  They live like a checklist…do good things - soup kitchen, check.  Fulfill the great commission - volunteer at a ministry event, check.  However, this is of our own strength.  We must live as a Christian as a lifestyle of God’s love continually pouring out of us.  This is God working through us, glorifying himself, not of our own doing.  I realized how God has done that with me at some point in my life.  God has used me in individuals lives relationally, much through Young Life.  But the thing is, I suck at relationships as I have concluded according to my other entries.  I am awkward relationally and socially.  But God has used me in my deficiencies to love people, and provide a catalyst for life change.  I am encouraged that God has been glorified through things that which I suck at :).

After a brief Hiatus….I’m BACK!

So, what has been going on this week?  Well, lets see.  I went to community group…disagreed so strongly with things being said that I just started pacing back and forth.  I avoided and was ignored.  That sucked.  I was a first hand witness to someone hurting.  That also sucked.  I can’t figure out why people want to talk to me about their crap.  I feel so inadequate.  Feel…yeah, I’ve been thinking a lot about that too these days…specifically feelings, emotions.  The question is, to what degree do we allow our feelings and emotions to influence our decisions.  I have several friends who make their decisions based on feelings, and its not the ‘right’ decision…right?  One girl should not stay with her boyfriend, one girl should not get back together with her boyfriend who cheated on her, and one guy should not have liked a girl he does.  But to what degree should we allow feelings to influence out decisions.  If we don’t, we just become robots that make decisions based on our knowledge.  The problem with that is we have limited knowledge anyway, so even purely logic based decisions are not always prudent.  So how do we deal with these feelings and emotions we have about people.  Because, lets be honest, the strongest feelings people have are related to relationships with other people.  Its crazy how relationships are so influential in out lives.  

Speaking of relationships, I thought I would document what my inner critic has been up to this past week.  The crappy thing is that it is really hard to argue with my inner critic.  He approaches things with the same logic I do about all my issues which is hard to fight with.  So what is it?  Well, I am pretty much convinced that I am terrible at relationships…all kind.  I suck at relationships with my family as I am not close at all.  I suck at relationships with friends because I am always jumping and switching friend groups about every six months.  I figured out that since I moved to Augusta, I have been a part of 10 different groups of people.  No wonder I know so many people….geez.  And then, I suck at relations with the opposite sex.  I am 26 and have never been in a ‘relationship’ before.  I honestly can’t think of anybody except for one person who is not mentally handicapped who can say that.  This past week I just realized the scope of how inadequate I am relationally.  The thing is, I’m just not sure what to do.  As much as the inner critic sucks….its not called the inner liar.  It’s right, I am terrible at being relational to people.  The irony of the whole thing is my involvement in Young Life, a relational ministry.

Peace
Frederick 

P.S.  I need new friends.  I don’t have any guy friends that are not in relationships.  Its not that I don’t like them, they just aren’t available.

Since its been so long since I made my last post, I want to make it positive….but I don’t think that is going to happen.  I love how my friend Emily is so good at wrapping up a negative and then ending with a positive, but it takes me several days to get to that point, so the positive post will have to come later.  So Ogden the other day asked us what the negative side of us is telling ourselves.  Well, last week I could not think of anything…I thought I was good, I was like, what are you talking about Ogden.  Well, this week I know exactly what he was referring to.  This week I feel like there is something wrong with me and that I am not exciting.  Those are two separate things, but I will only expound on the latter.  Most guys I know, will refer to a girl they meet as boring…she will be sweet and Christian and kind, but the most defining characteristic that I guy will say about her is boring.  Well, I feel like I am boring.  Or, in other words, Ogden said there is a safe side to people, and an exciting side.  I don’t think I am exciting.  I almost always do the ‘wise’ thing, I don’t act impulsively, I do not fulfill that ‘exciting’ feeling that people are drawn to.  So that is what my negative ego has been telling me this week…it sucks.

I also had a couple of epiphanys this week, one of which i will not go into, but the other is a self-reflective kind of thing.  I am very much a closed off person, I do not think that I really know many people that know me well.  I have a lot of friends, but I’ve never really developed a relationship with someone that knows me well.   I just don’t really share much about my life and who I am with people.  I mean, my own family really does not know me very well at all.  Now I don’t know if this is a product of my personality, or my circumstances, but I am pretty sure that this is true.  So…what I am saying…well, for the first time in my life I think I want to change that.  Now for anybody that might read this, lets not jump to any conclusions about how this epiphany may manifest itself however.  

So, things to work on:  killing my negative ego, let someone know me, positive post in light of these negative observations concerned with what God says about this